Clarity in the Chaos: January 2011

I'm not big on unsolicited advice, neither getting nor giving. And 'expert' books, with a few exceptions, are for the birds. However, I certainly appreciate the shared experiences of those mamas who have gone before or are going alongside me, so when my long-time friend Jill of the style blog Good Life For Less started her new blog, good tots! {for stylish moms and their kids}, I was happy to share my top 5 (actually 6) 'what works for me' tidbits with her readers for her mom says series.

Reposting here today from good tots! back in November.

(A little variation from what I usually write here, but keepin' it real, nonetheless.)

Mom Says

1. Say yes as often as possible. Kids have very little that is actually up to them to decide. It may get old for us to hear “Mom can I…Can we…Will you…?” but you can bet it gets old for them to hear “No…not now…we’ll see…” day after day. It is far too easy to make ‘no’ the default response, and from my earliest days of parenting I have made it a goal to say yes as often as possible. My take is that if I can say yes to most requests and permissions (Is it really going to hurt anyone/thing if they launch matchbox cars down the stairs? Is there really any reason they can’t bring their light sabers along on our nature hike? Is there really anything wrong with letting a 3 year old spend the occasional day in his pajamas?), then the rare ‘no’ will be easier to swallow, and hopefully will lead to less resistance because they know I must have a real reason or I would have said yes.

2. Use humor to diffuse anger and tension. My kids are 7, 4, and 2. Between brotherly interactions or battles between parent and child, tempers can flare and wills are at odds. When I feel my frustration growing, my jaw clenching or my shoulders rising to my ears, it can be hard but it is oh-so-worth it to take a deep breath and crack a silly joke, make a funny face or do a little crazy dance. It catches the boys off-guard, and once someone starts laughing it’s almost impossible to stay mad. (My husband uses this trick on me sometimes, and I have to admit it always works.)

3. Let go of the illusion of control. “If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you.” [from Story People] In other words: lighten up! Example: When my oldest son was about 8 months old, I made the mistake of reading an expert guidebook on sleep even though up until I read the dumb book I didn’t consider my son’s sleep problematic. I suddenly convinced myself I needed to get him on a nap routine, and I spent three days wasting hours of the beautiful afternoon trying some new process that wasn’t going to work for my son or my family. By trying to cram him into a mold I had read about in some book that I didn’t need to read, I was frustrating myself and setting both myself and my son up for failure. I remember agonizing to my mother about my self-created problem, and she told me, “Honey. Having kids is supposed to be fun. If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.” It was all I needed to hear. Our time with little kids is brief, and enjoying it is a priority. I have found that accepting that my kids are individual people with unique personalities, needs and desires, and that I cannot control how they respond to my ideas about *sleep (*in place of sleep, substitute any of the following: eating, potty training, clothing preferences, social tendencies, or reaction to grandmothers wanting kisses) has been freeing.

4. Set them up for success. A little forethought goes a long way, and I have learned to rely on my gut for this one. For example: I know getting dressed in the morning can be contentious. So I started dressing one son in his clean clothes for the next day before bed at night and letting him sleep in them. Mornings just got easier. As far as behavior goes, in the case of my boys, it is most certainly asking too much to bring them on errands when they haven’t had a chance to expend their physical energy first. It isn’t reasonable to assume they will tolerate more than two stops on an errand run before starting to whine, fight or wrestle. It isn’t practical to take them to a park near a lake and expect to get out of there without them getting drenched and sandy. It isn’t smart to haul them off for a hike or a long drive or a run of errands without snacks and water. I do my best to create a kid-friendly culture in which they can thrive. I try to make it easy for them to succeed by recognizing their needs and anticipating the potential scenarios that may play out. There are choices I can make that empower them to behave within the realm of acceptability for their environment. (And choosing the environments to which I introduce them is part of the equation.)

5. Carve out space to let their stories surface. I have three kids, and both my husband and I work outside the home. We are a busy family and there is always a lot of activity. But my personal tagline is ‘finding clarity in the chaos’ and I put that into practice. Creating small blocks of time for uninterrupted one-on-one conversation with my kids is essential. They don’t all get it every day, but over a week it balances itself out and we find the time and space. One of my favorite rituals is crawling into the top bunk with my seven year old, after his little brothers have gotten their snuggles, and letting go of my awareness of time or post-bedtime to-do lists. We lay there in the dark, and in that stillness, the stories from his day that have been churning and bouncing around inside float up to the surface where he can see them clearly. If I rushed him through or cut him off, I would be missing these little glimpses of his life. I’d be missing out on the view through his lens. I wouldn’t see the connections he’s making or the lessons he’s learning or the confusion he’s working through. Some of my most profound parenting experiences and teachable moments have happened during these bedtime conversations.

6. Take care of yourself – and ditch the guilt while you’re at it. (I’ll keep this one brief, since I went over my 5-item limit.) It took until my third kid to accept the value and necessity of taking care of myself in order to be happier, healthier, more centered, and more present with my family. For me it’s a regular yoga practice and time to write or do some other creative work. You know what recharges you. The time to do it won’t surface on it’s own – you have to choose how to prioritize your time. I vote that self-care ranks pretty high on the worth-the-time list. I hope you do, too.

How about you? What are your top tidbits of advice or experience that you'd offer up to new or fellow mamas? What's the best advice you were given as a new mom?

:::

I'm also excited to share with you that Jill has just released her new e-book, 50 Things Every Woman Simply Must Own. Jill writes, This e-book started as an inspiration for myself as I desired to depend more upon timeless classics in my wardrobe than flash-in-the-pan trends. Trends are fun and definitely have a place in our personal style and in our closets. However, the items featured here are staples to your style and wardrobe that will last and inspire for years to come.

I have to say that even though Jill and I have pretty different personal styles, I am consistently inspired by her suggestions and examples, and I've found new, fun ways to style items I already had. I've also picked up versions of things similar to pieces she has featured on her blog from the thrift store or at clothing swaps, so fashion is very doable, even on a super-tight budget. Fun stuff. Check out Jill and her new e-book. She will not disappoint.

Dana died. She died nine days ago and I'm crying for the first time tonight.

She was a really good friend -- we were all good friends. We were The Girls. I don't have a The Girls anymore. I haven't since then.

We lost touch in the years after high school, sometime during college. Time passed, people change, almost shape-shift. When I heard of her passing, I felt like I was hearing about someone else. A different Dana than the one I know. Than the one I knew.

So I was numb to it for a while there. It didn't sink past my information-processing brain receptors down deep into my heart. But today, it hit.

Dana died. I will not see her again. Will not hear her laugh. She is gone.

I feel this tug between those of us who were there then, who were with her when we were all in the very first part of becoming who we are, and those who know her now. Who were in her life during these recent years, after some of us had lost her.

We had something special in those high school days. A friendship so much deeper, richer than our young years could explain. Back when we were all in the same place, five days a week. When we had nothing else pulling our time and energy, nothing else drawing from our reserves and so everything -- everything -- could go into our friendships.

I haven't had a circle of friends like that since. I have had, and have, dear friendships and close girlfriends, but nothing like the dynamic of, the entity that was, The Girls.

We loved. We loved each other so much. And I believe we still do, that we still carry each other, tucked into hidden pockets of our hearts, crouching in the dusty corners and resting in the little cracks and grooves that form through life; that we still hold each other and those memories and take that love and have let it become part of who we are so that no matter where we go or how much time has passed, we still have each other in there, somewhere. That's what happens when someone helps shape who you are.

It's not just Dana. It's all of my Girls. We have grown and drifted and traveled and wed and partnered and careered and mothered and the big pot of energy and time we all hold has more straws pulling from it now. And so we drift and let drift.

But Girls -- my Girls -- if you are out there somewhere, I send this little note up with a balloon and hope that it reaches you, send it singing on the breeze and I hope that you catch it, I hope you feel it brush your cheek or the back of your neck while you sit by the lake or hike your mountain or dance a thousand pirouettes across the floor or pour over the paper on a sunsoaked couch or sip your coffee at the kitchen table, and I hope you sense it and feel it and know it and remember that

you are loved.

And you are remembered. I carry you with me even when I don't see you there, tucked away in my heart's pockets. And I want to be a tiny hidden stowaway in your heart, too. I want to jump in and hunker down and ride along on your journey.

I love you and I miss you so very, very much.