but i like to keep some things to myself*
>> Thursday, December 1, 2011
I sit on my couch listening to this song on repeat tonight. Everyone is sleeping. Illness has swept the house and people are tired. Even the dog has passed out on the rug in front of the loveseat across the room from me. I sit with my laptop and my glass of pinot and, thankfully, I feel peace.
I have a swirling mind. It goes and goes and goes and rarely stops. I analyze. I ruminate. I obsess. It's difficult to turn off, and it explains my proclivity to depression, I think. Which I'm not, currently. Depressed, that is. But I have had a lot on my mind and it has been of the write-in-the-journal variety rather than the share-on-the-internet sort.
So I've logged quite a few pages in the notebook this month, and I've been giving my whirling mind rest with my trail running and piano playing. They are the two activities I have discovered that can switch my brain out of ruminate-mode. When I'm playing my piano, my mind is occupied reading notes and all of my excessive emotions can channel into the keys and the pedals. I can feel my emotions through the sound and the touch and the sight of it all without having to sort and name them. When I'm running on my favorite trails, I focus on moving my body, over the roots and rocks and twists and turns. I feel my pounding heart, my pulsing blood, I hear my breath, my soles to the earth, feeling the firm and the soft and the sharp and the slippery. I'm right there, where I am, feeling so much without having to figure anything out.
I've toyed with shutting this place down, wondering if it has served it's purpose, but I think I'll hang on to Here, knowing that life ebbs and flows and that when the tide rolls out I'll have a lot of debris to pick through and treasures to turn over in my hands. I might want to share that here.
So we'll see. It could be another month. I could be back tomorrow. I'll figure it out as I go.
But before I sign off, here's a little gift for you.
title from lyrics to Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine
because sometimes you need to just write.
6 comments:
I know EXACTLY what you mean. For different reasons.
You write beautifully, so hang in there. Blogs are a different kind of treasure. Sometimes we can't see it until we have distance.
I relate.
Beyond envious of the piano playing.
Running and yoga are the key to my sanity.
If you delete this blog, you'll be sad. Just update if and when you want to, but if you delete it you'll want to look back in a few years and would miss it if it weren't there. I have a deleted blog from almost ten years ago and I wish that I could go back and read it.
I love that you own your quiet spaces.
{I know this feeling, too.}
Beautiful heart-writing.
my mind does the same... mostly in the wee small hours of the morning. i need to find an outlet...
i am imagining yours though... and i can see how the pouring out of soul onto the keys would be all consuming.
breathe. and i will too. xoxo
Good for you for keeping the blog going. Just write when you want. Or take a small break (like I did which worked wonders) and come back when you want.
We'll be here.
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