>> Friday, July 8, 2011
...I would be writing about
- how I am flying solo through the boystorm this weekend while John's in Door County teaching people how to kayak. I'm taking all 3 boys to Cars 2 in a couple hours, and while I'm excited and think it will be fun, I'm conflicted about how I've caved my principles between Child #1 and Child #3. Really? I am taking my two and half year old to see a movie with cartoon vehicles shooting and bombing each other? Wait, he's seen Kung Fu Panda and knows all the characters in Star Wars? Oh. Crap.
- how the boys and I will meet John up north on Sunday for four days of camping at the same state park at which I grew up camping with my own parents and sisters. How much better of a place I'm in mentally and emotionally than I was last year at this time, how grateful I am for that.
- how I am struggling with weaning my littlest (he's 31 months old, I just realized I've been telling people he's 28 months. How did that happen?). It's been a gradual process because he loves nursing so much, and I had it down to just the early-morning-back-to-sleep moments, and then I tried to cut that out and boy-oh-boy it has been sucky. It's either a 5a.m. start to the day or a 5a.m. tantrum to nurse, with fights between tired parents and toddler a given. How long will this last? Is this my fault? Is he going to keep asking to nurse for months after I'm done? [Insert additional self-doubt and insecurities about decisions and methods here.] Add to that the guilt/feelings of failure of giving in a couple times, and you've got yourself [I've got myself] a mess.
- how the transition to working full-time with John at home full-time is going. This one is loaded. Overall positive, but I won't lie. There's a whole host of things this transition has stirred up for me. Mother-wise, wife-wise, kid-wise, career-wise, does-this-mean-we're-done-having-babies-wise. This could be a 2,000 word essay. Or a freaking book.
- how lately I feel simultaneously apologetic for my boys behavior and defensive/protective of them when confronted with [my perceptions of] other people's perceptions of them. Three boys is a very different dynamic than two. Or than three girls. Our a combo of boys and girls. It really is, and I have to say only those with three boys really truly get what I'm saying here, and I walk that tightrope between letting them be who they are, expend their energy, test their physical and behavioral limits, yet teaching them to respect themselves, others, property, and societal expectations.
- how I've finally decided to do something about these extra 15lbs of "baby weight". I have a closet full of clothes that don't fit and I'm supremely out of shape. I don't want to jinx it, but I've started something I always thought I hated, and it turns out I love it. It starts with an R and rhymes with FUN and thankfully I've found a program that's helping me stick to it.
- how a new tube of red lipstick can make a world of difference for girl's mood.
- how I find myself questioning my online writing/social media. I google the people I hire, I can count on the fact that people I work with and encounter professionally will stumble their way over here. I already made my facebook and twitter private, and I certainly don't share anything too personal here, but context is everything. I feel weird and a little vulnerable thinking about certain people 'overhearing' my online conversations with friends.
- how tired I am of being tired. Why am I so sleep-deprived if we don't have a newborn?
- [ ]
- [ ]
- (Leaving those blank for the points I'm not even going to allude to out of respect for the privacy of my children/family. Nothing dramatic, just not anyone else's business.)
...but I'm not really very good at this whole blogging thing, so I'll just leave it at bullet points. Or maybe I should just leave this post as the permanent homepage for this blog. Anyway, thanks to my sweet friend for her advice to just start typing and see what comes rather than wait for the time and energy to come up with something that will be "worth reading".