Treat

Happy Halloween!

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On regrets (and not having them)

For reasons unknown or unanalyzed, an old friend popped into my mind today.

My friend J was a quiet guy. He was an artist and a musician. In high school, these attributes do not necessarily make you the coolest of kids. But he was smart and sweet and funny and shy, and when I took his arm and played his date at stage right in a musical with a name I can't recall, I crushed hard for J. I always liked the uncool kids. (They were always the coolest.)

I, a boy crazy sophomore, was the first kiss for this shy senior boy. He, all kindness and blue eyes, was the nicest, sweetest boy I had ever kissed.

But this was highschool, where fickleness and frivolity reign. And after he ended one of our dates with a run through Taco Bell drivethru, sending me shrinking to the far side of his parent's giant blue station wagon in angst over how bad his breath would be when he walked me to my front door, it was over.

And the next week when I introduced my dad to G, who sat on our livingroom couch, arm slung around my shoulders, my father summed it up just right when he humiliated me in his befuddlement, "G? What happened to J? What is this - boyfriend of the week??!"

And it was. It was how I rolled, nothing personal, J.

But I always felt badly about how abruptly I ended things. The poor guy had no clue it was just about the Taco Bell, no idea about the fickleness, the frivolity of teenage girls. He let it end without drama, and he stepped quietly aside as I finished out the school year as G's girl.

He was such a nice guy and I was the only girl he ever kissed.

A couple of years later I bumped into J at a summer concert in our hometown. He was home from college, and I was genuinely excited to see him. We laughed that War was headlining the show, twenty years past their peak; and we chatted for a while. After rocking out to Low Rider, I gave him another big hug and told him that it was really, really good to see him again and that I was so glad he was doing well. He stayed at the stage and I ran off with my friends. I turned back and waved goodbye one more time. He was smiling.

One week later J died of an asthma attack. He was 21 years old.

At his funeral, a college friend brought along a letter J had mailed him just that week. In it, J had written how he had bumped into a girl he used to date and how nice it was to see her. How even though he knew nothing would come from it, he felt "really good just knowing that a beautiful girl still cared even a little bit" about him.

It isn't often in life that we get closure with people from our pasts, that we get the opportunity to take a wrong and make it a little closer to right. That we get to cast off regrets because time was kind in its passing.

While I don't want to live my life worrying that each goodbye will be the last, I think it's important to be grateful for the people in our lives, and to let them know we care about them when we still have the chance to tell them to their face.

I'm not sure why I have been thinking about J today. But he was a real sweetheart and I wish he could have had the chance to shine his light for many more years than he did.

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coping mechanisms

Since I got my digital SLR camera last May, I have been in heaven. I've wanted a nice camera for years, and now that I have one I've been snapping dozens of shots everyday.

Most of them are of my gorgeous boys, but I'm always looking for other subjects to photograph, to try something new, to turn the ordinary into art. Granted, I'm still a beginner in every sense of the word, but I'm enjoying myself thoroughly.

And that's why I've been participating in the weekly photography challenge You Capture that Beth from I Should Be Folding Laundry puts out over at her blog. This week's challenge was technology, and I was going to pass. I'm more into nature shots and people, and I thought I wouldn't have any ideas.

Until this morning when I looked around and realized there are at least three technological items that bring me simple pleasures in life. And by simple pleasures, I mean coping mechanisms.

My coffee grinder.

My microwave for re-heating my coffee.

My laptop - it sits in the kitchen so I can get a little writing in during those stolen moments when kids are eating or taking their sweet time in the bathroom or even *gasp* taking a decent nap.

So there you have it. Technology can be an interesting photographic subject afterall. Thanks to Beth for the inspiration!

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adaptation

I'm still high from our wonderful Sunday.

It was a picturebook fall day; we took a boyfull van on a color tour, out to hike the bluffs at Devil's Lake. We climbed the 300 or so vertical feet up the half-mile trail with one running ahead, one in hand, one on back, and a giant dog at our sides.

We were quite the production.

The trail was narrow and steep; stone steps winding through talus. Short legs and curious hands are no match for weekend hikers on a mission, so we often stepped off to let people pass our slow-going caravan.

Other hikers passed by, versions of an earlier us. A young couple, breezing by carefree; new parents, nervously navigating the terrain with their only baby perched in a metal frame backpack; a relaxed family slowly climbing with a couple of kids, mom and dad playing man-to-man defense. And then there was us - John and I running the Zone.

When did we become such a circus? We are that family I used to gape at before I had kids. The family that simultaneously freaked me out (because they were loud and clamoring and crazy enough to take their kids up the rugged trail) and reassured me (that you can have kids and still get out hiking, camping, enjoying the pursuits that the child-free likely take for granted).

We usually hike and camp during the week, when we have the trails and the lake to ourselves. But on this sunny Sunday in October, we shared the park with the rest of the workweek world. They, a backdrop for a rare glimpse at contrast. Who we are laid over who we were.

The boys tired themselves with the climb and descent, with rocks thrown into the lake and bodies flung from tree stump platforms. The bluffs, the colors and the sparkling lake left me feeling peaceful and centered and happy in the autumn sunshine; and it reminded me who I am - who I was before I became Mama. Reminded me what brought John and I together in the first place.

I hope we are instilling a love for exploration and the natural world in our kids at their young, impressionable ages. I hope they grow to love it like we do and that it fills them up and becomes part of who they are.

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A little gift for YOU!

**The Winner is 'kw'! I used a random number generator and it selected the number 8 - kw was the 8th commenter, so the prize is hers! Congrats and I will be in touch to get you the giftcard!**

Last week I when I wrote a guest post for Happy Bambino's Blog, I mentioned that my lovely friend Lea -- co-founder and -owner of Happy Bambino and photographer for the Madison Nursing is Normal project --would be offering a giveaway to one of you here on my blog. Happy Bambino is a fabulous boutique and resource center here in Madison for bellies, birth, babies, and breastfeeding. Seriously -- Lea and the other HB ladies SAVE MAMAS' SANITY every day with the support, knowledge, and community they provide over at Happy Bambino. They also have a webstore, for you non-locals out there, and I encourage you to pop over and check it out. This mama-run business that aims to be family-friendly and eco-friendly is one worth supporting.

Here's the scoop: Happy Bambino is offering a $30 gift card to use at their webstore to one of you! All you have to do is leave a comment on this post sometime before Tuesday midnight, and I will randomly select one of the commentors on Wednesday morning. Easy and fun, no? Just click on 'comments', and select the Name/URL option. Leave your name, url or email address (no one will see it but it will give me a way to contact you). Now go check out the webstore to pick out what you can spend your giftcard on! (slings, diapers, nursing bras, eco/healthy toys, etc)

Full disclosure: Lea and co-owner Alison are friends of mine, and my guest post and their giveaway is just a fun exchange for us. In other words, I honestly love them and their store. They're not paying me to say that. :)

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spreading the love

It’s easy to preoccupy ourselves with the tiny pieces of our days – the tedious pieces, the ugly pieces, the pieces that don’t seem to fit right in their allotted spaces. And while we stew and fret and curse over these handfuls of inconvenient fragments that we can’t seem to configure into anything worthwhile, our shortsightedness blinds us from the big picture. Staring into our hands or at the mess that litters our feet, we fail to see that these miniscule shards compose something greater....

click here to continue reading at Happy Bambino's Blog.

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The lovely Lea of Happy Bambino (and of the Nursing is Normal project) invited me to guest post over at Happy Bambino's Blog today, and I jumped at the chance.

Lea is co-founder of Happy Bambino, a fabulous boutique and resource center here in Madison for bellies, birth, babies, and breastfeeding. Seriously -- Lea and the other HB ladies SAVE MAMAS' SANITY every day with the support, knowledge, and community they provide over at Happy Bambino. They also have a webstore, for you non-locals out there, and I encourage you to pop over and check it out. This mama-run business that aims to be family-friendly and eco-friendly is one worth supporting.

And? Because Happy Bambino is just that cool, they want to offer a giveaway to one of you. So stay tuned, because I will be sharing details on that early next week.

Enjoy your weekend everyone. Now head on over to Happy Bambino's Blog.

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Still Life with Little Boys

There's nothing still about life with three little boys. This morning, for example, my six year old drew an ink mustache on his face moments before heading out the door. On picture day. My three year old tore the house apart in search of his wooden screwdriver, which somehow was supposed to complete his Cookie Monster costume (that he was already wearing - before 8am) and the baby relentlessly squealed his demands for MORE BOOKS MORE BOOKS MORE BOOKS before I had a chance to finish my first cup of coffee.

But with a little creativity, I managed to capture a few scenes for this week's You Capture challenge: Still Life, despite the chaos.

Speaking of little boys, you'd think by now I'd realize that if I didn't trim their fingernails, they would not miraculously stop growing. If I don't periodically cut their hair, they will indeed end up with shaggy mullets. Its like the gradual process of growth goes unnoticed until I wake up one day and see my ragged creatures with their jagged talons and the light bulb blinks on -- Oh, I am the one whose supposed to be on this stuff! Geesh. Is everyone else managing to keep up with the child maintenance?

I don' t remember feeling this way as a brand new mom. It took until now to find myself wondering when the grownup is going to show up and tell me what to do and when to do it. But apparently there is no manual, so I'm pretty much learning as I go, as I assume most people do. But it still catches me off guard sometimes when I realize were it not for me, my kids would be dirty, shaggy, or dead.

There are other times, though, when I surprise myself with the skills and strategies I've acquired along the way. Such as the way my brain stores necessary information, like spying the toe of a little white sneaker peaking out from under the couch as I walk through the livingroom - information I retrieve from my subconscious later when we're frantically trying to get out the door.

I guess it comes down to balance and priorities. I probably don't change the sheets as often as I should, and my kids are known to leave the house with messy faces. But they're fed and watered, kept warm, loved and safe; and really, most days we're all doing the best we can. Right?

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In other news, I'll be guest posting over at Happy Bambino's blog sometime tomorrow, so please head over for a visit. Parts of the post may look familiar, as I put a little more thought into something I wrote stream-of-consciousness here a while back.

And? Early next week I'll be offering out my first ever GIVEAWAY because the lovely ladies (and sweet friends of mine) at Happy Bambino - a wonderful pregnancy and early childhood boutique and resource center - wanted to offer a little somethin' somethin' from their webstore to one of you! I thought that sounded like fun, so I'm giving it a go. Stay tuned for more details....:)

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baby (sister) mama

I'm sitting in an oversized chair in my baby sister's livingroom, New Mexico sunshine pouring in through the windows. My baby sleeps in the guestroom, and I watch my sister and her hubby with their eight week old baby girl.

My sister has become a mother, and I look at her with admiration and love.

I have four sisters, but only one of them is my little sister. I have always assumed the role of her protector, her guide, her friend. I pushed girls against the walls of elementary school bathrooms because they messed with her, fired warning shots across the bow at boys who looked in her direction, and opened up my futon as a refuge on a new college campus. We stood in places of honor on each other's wedding days, and although we now live thousands of miles apart, I hold her dearly in my heart.

But our roles have shifted over the last decade, as they should. And I no longer need to protect or guide her. We are peers, friends, sisters. And when I see her during our one or two visits a year, I stare open-jawed in admiration of the woman that she is, that she became while I was too busy having babies to notice.

I look to her more than she knows - I learn from her faith, her radiant spirituality, her devotion. She shares her gifts and spreads her grace with everyone whose path intersects her life.

I watch her as a mother - her confidence, her ease, her joy in mamahood. I wonder if I felt the way she looks when I nursed and cradled and soothed my first baby six years ago. I am so proud of her, so in love with her, my sister.

I am grateful for her presence in my life, as I am for all of my sisters. But today, I am here with her, with this sister. My baby sister, and she shines brightly.

**edited to add** I just got home and it's now Tuesday night. This post fits too well with Tuesdays Unwrapped for me not to link up, so I'm joining in at the last minute.

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Red

Because I am better at procrastinating then I am at anything else, here's a quick post to participate in the weekly You Capture challenge. This week's theme: RED.

fuzzy warm fleece

always wear your life jacket!

red pants party

*sigh*

Based on the pics, can you tell what I'm writing about right now? :) OK, now back to work.

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I'm glad he was right

I mentioned last week that we took a couple of days and paddled our canoe down a stretch of the Wisconsin River, camping on a sandbar in the middle of the river for a night. I haven't said much about it because I'm actually writing a piece about it for something else.

But I was looking through some pictures from the trip, and I have to just share this one little thing.

I was a total pessimist before we went. I came up with every possible thing that could go wrong, and I swore it would. The kids would get bored sitting in the boat for so long. We'd dump the canoe and lose all our gear. The baby would eat too much sand. Whatever. And the whole time I played Debbie Downer (wah wah), my patient hubby reassured me that it would all be great.

And you know what? It was fabulous. Absolutely fantastic and it went off without a hitch. The short of it is that the kids did great in the canoe, the baby even played happily on the bottom of the boat or stood between my legs and looked out at the water, the birds, the scenery.

That meant I could actually paddle. And while this might sound like a no-brainer (um...we were canoeing, right? doesn't that involve paddling?) it was actually a pleasant deviation from the normal scenario of me holding a wiggly baby/toddler while John paddles solo the entire time.

And the camping -- oh the camping -- was lovely. Sandy beach, good food, good friends, bald eagles, sunsets and sunrises...I am so glad we went.

campfires on the beach

early morning sun warming up the sand

I feel like a complete tool for being such a downer before we went -- that's not usually my style. But thankfully my hubby refused to back out and I was not invested in proving myself right.

I have a lot more to say about the trip, but I just can't say it here yet. I'll link up to the piece when it's out, but trust me -- I had such a great time.

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Linking up to Tuesdays Unwrapped for my favorite tradition of celebrating the little things.

Like letting your husband prove you wrong.

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I'm not really on a roll here....

So I know the last post I wrote was just a link-up, and the one before that was a video for you to watch (did you watch it? did you? cuz if you didn't, you are really missing out. go watch it now. it will move you. unless of course you have no heart or soul. then it might not. but whatevs....just sayin....), and now today, this. Don't think I'm gaining any new readers if they've been stopping by this weekend.

But - the lovely H1N1 has struck down upon our home and I have been tending to sick children since Tuesday. Yeah, so that pretty much means TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE because the kids got the virus one after the other, rather than all at once. Which, of course, makes it easier to care for the sick one; but means I always have someone who is contagious that cannot be dragged along on outings.

And? I missed yoga. And Gallery Night (except for sneaking out for one hour to catch Lea's work at the Nursing is Normal exhibit - beautiful work, Lea!!). And I missed a Naked Ladies Party - a super fun clothing exchange with a motley crew of lovely ladies. And a group birthday party/pigroast at the park. So I am feeling just a *teensy* bit sorry for myself.

Plus I have a deadline tomorrow for a piece I'm supposed to be writing that is not exactly finished yet. So I'm going to get off the blog and get writing in just a second here.

But - being trapped at home for days on end with a baby tied to my body and two little feverish zombies spacing out at the TV did lead me to joining Twitter. I know, I thought I was the last hold-out, but I caved. So if you are of the tweeting variety, come find me because I'm new and I don't get it and I don't know how to find you. I'm claritychaos, if you're looking.

And that's it. Send prayers or good vibes that I stay healthy, or get sick tomorrow so that it passes before I leave for New Mexico on Friday to visit my little sister and her new baby girl. Thanks. Much appreciated.

Oh, and by the way. The swine flu is really nothing to fear. It is actually milder than other strains of the flu, it just spreads so darn easy because no one is immune to it. (Except possibly me. We'll see.) My kids just had fevers and unpleasant GI stuff, of which I'll spare you the details unless you email me because you really must know. Fluids and rest and lots of TV (or time in the sling, for the baby), and they are just fine, having come through it with immune systems now stronger for fighting the next flu strains that rampage through our area.

Well look at this, it's a lengthy blog post afterall. *wink*

And because I am always the one behind the camera, I will leave you with some Fun With Reflections by Yours Truly.

mwwahahaha...my identity remains a mystery!

good thing I hung onto that maternity sweater....

Isn't my baby cute??? And my pink streak is starting to look a little ratty, no?

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If you're looking to expand your Google Reader...

...you're bound to discover some great new reads over here.

I'm linking up with The Saturday Evening Blog Post today, where bloggers can share a post from the previous month and readers get a whole slew of new blogs to peruse.

Head on over and enjoy the reading!

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pictures of you

If you have not yet discovered the beautiful PS22 Chorus, please allow me to introduce you.

I am moved beyond words. Check out these amazing kids.

Ack. I'm teary and goosebumped just cueing this up.

Enjoy, and have a wonderful weekend....

click here for the back story.

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fall(ing)

I feel it.

Not just in the air, but in my soul. Fall is here.

My renegade pumpkin and other giant squash I didn't plant.

The last of the pineapple heirlooms -- moments before I pulled them from the vine,

saving them from a frosty fate.

Pretty yellow lashes dressing up a few black eyes.

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The arrival of fall has settled soft and heavy on my days. The sun casts softer shadows and the air has the feel of that nibble that comes before the bite. The leaves creep orange, and pops of red jump out from blurred roadside greens.

Fall restores my rhythm. I love the summer, but summer is a time of flight. We don't stay long in one place, we're soaring always outward, upward. There's a lightness that makes anything seem possible, doable; limits stretch and energy is high.

But from soaring heights come great crashes. And I definitely floundered and squelched around in the mire for a time. But as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I have finally found my footing; and now with the arrival of fall, I've even settled into a comfortable pace.

Honeycrisps

Fall is my grounding season. I have gathered up my limbs and my thoughts from their atmospheric flailings and I have drawn them in. I am centered and feeling more present than I have in a very long time.

I am choosing to see my most recent bout with depression as part of my spectrum. When the light finally bursts through, it is those shades of gray that make the colors more vivid than if the sun had always been shining. And as fall slips in and the last traces of summer wither and vanish, I feel ready for the change.

I don't know what these next months will bring, but I'm open to the turning. Crisp and tart, soft and savory; fall has always been my favorite season, no matter the variation in its yearly flavor. There's an amber energy to the days that is serving me well lately, and I'm going to draw it in and send it back out as best I can.

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Donning scarves and sweaters for afternoon walks.

And the requisite cute baby pictures....

homemade hand-me-down hats warming a third little blond head...

rosy cheeks and red noses...

thrift store sweaters the color of his eyes...

...and a close up on that one, because I couldn't resist.

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Linking up to join in on this week's You Capture: Fall Feelings.

*ALL IMAGES © BOY CRAZY [finding clarity in the chaos]*

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previous post - first light

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