Behold, the crazy (or waiting rooms will kill you.)
>> Monday, December 7, 2009
I've often believed that waiting rooms offer a tidy cross-section of human nature. Sometimes I forget this, venturing to an appointment unprepared for the crazy that awaits me.
Last Thursday Axel had his one year checkup. We play in the waiting area, a healthy family amid the sick and ailing. Eli joins a snot-nosed hacker at the magnet table, while Axel strengthens his immune system by crawling the premises, fondling the furniture, and thumb-sucking.
A suuuuuuuper old lady hobbles in, immediately befriending my baby. I find myself wondering if she's sick or just in for a check up as she draws Axel's outstretched chubby hand to her lips. Repeatedly. He really is too cute to pass up, so it's hard to blame. When she moves on to find a seat, I discreetly reach for the hand sanitizer to my right.
I'm glad to see you doing that, a 60 year old fingerwagger yell-whispers to me from behind US Weekly.
I see a woman eying me from the corner. I smile and go about my business. She's joined by a man with a baby in arms. I can't hear what they're saying, but they're staring and pointing in our direction. Ahhh....the baby factor.
I have a baby. They have a baby. Therefore, we must make friends. I can't help but wonder if I'd lose my appeal as a waiting room friend if I had all three of my boys with me, therefore disqualifying me from the New Parents Club, members known for a proclivity to age, weight, and milestone comparisons. I fear I'd only disappoint. By the third, I can barely keep track of my kids' names, let alone their stats.
But with one at school and another contracting a virus at the magnet table, I'm a prime target and so in they move, Daddy leading the way with Jr in arms.
Hi! What's his name? How old is he? He looked like he was a little ahead of our guy. This is Finn. He's 10 months. Crawling, but not walking. (wipes snot from Finn's face.)
Oh, what nice blue eyes! I wish Finn's eyes were bluer. (Befuddled silence from me.) I have a bias for blue eyes, he confesses. (Bouncy bouncy bouncy) Hi Axel! Oh, you can wave. Finn can't wave yet. How much does he weigh? (Bouncy bouncy wipe wipe.)
We're first time parents, says Dad, picking a slimy crumb off Finn's face. And eating it. (Oh, man. He did not just do that. I'm working, man. I am laboring to keep it together here, but this is not easy.)
We exchange pleasantries for a few more minutes before Great-great gramma hobbles over to share her germs (I mean love) with Jr., freeing me to wrangle Eli away from his new virus-laden friend.
The New Parents's names are called, and they head back to see the doc, Jr. riding on Dad's shoulders. Finger-wagger glances up from her mag to whisper-yell, I wish he wouldn't do that. My daughter's friend's husband carried their baby that way. Dropped him. And then she mouths, Dead. before going back to the latest New Moon review.
Our name is called, and not a moment too soon. Great-gramma is wondering if the baby might be getting cold. Did I know it's cold outside? And more snotty hackers have moved in on the magnet table.
Waiting rooms, man. Behold, the crazy.
21 comments:
Love this post. What a crazy, but typical cast of characters.
It is my strong conviction that any child who enters a doctor's waiting room for a "well check" will need to return within a week for a "not-so-well-anymore check" due to the contagions he picked up while there the first time. I hope your little guy avoids the return visit.
Too funny! You nailed it--waiting rooms are no doubt the cross-section of crazy.
Hope you guys escaped unscathed by the germ table!
This one had me laughing! I'm the biggest hypochondriac, germ-a-phobe out there. And usually it's me who comes down with the plague after visiting the pediatrician's office with the kids!
Now talk about the craziness in the dr.'s office with three kids. I just did that this morning. Thankfully we late so we did not wait in the waiting room for more than 30 seconds. As we were waiting for the Dr., Simon was throwing a screaming fit on the floor because I would not let him turn the lights on and off, Eli was opening all of the drawers, and Josiah was begging me to read him pages from a book left in the room. When the Dr. was checking Josiah's ears out, Simon succeeded in turning of the lights 2 times while I was attempting to answer the Dr's questions. It was crazy. The Dr. was giving me the look (I interpret this look as "what were you thinking having 3 kids so close together"). Even though life can sometimes be slightly or totally crazy my kids love each other and play (in general) well together. I hope we can get together sometime after the holidays. We are leaving town on Saturday until January.
wow, elizabeth, this is r e a l l y funny! you are such a talented writer. and, oh, how i can relate to your waiting room fiasco!
Great post! You had me laughing and picturing the scene perfectly! Last time we were in the waiting room my husband whispers to me "you know you can't avoid the germs by holding your breath" Deep breath out, sigh, it was worth a shot:)
Ha! Funny to hear that Ye Old Sport of Parenting One-Up-Manship is even played in waiting rooms by first time parents.
Oh awesome. I am soooo glad that husband has to take the babies in now.
I laughed at several points during this - because it could be any waiting room, any time. I try to avoid eye contact for the most part, especially at the kids pediatricians!
(and Paige was assaulted by an old lady over the weekend, I wanted to give her a bath in hand sanitizer!!!)
Gross! Yuck! Eww! I hate the waiting room game.
This is hysterical! Our "magnet table" is this table with big twisty colored wires and sliding beads...I dread the day that Quinn insists on playing with it. I struggle to keep him on my lap with loads of cheerios and other toys from home. My sister's Pediatrician has two waiting rooms--one for the healthy and one for the sickies. I long for this luxury....there is no getting away from the crazies, but maybe you could escape without their cooties!
Alicia
Like Alicia, I've heard of peds offices with two waiting rooms. I don't think that will ever happen here in small town WI.
Any luck with your diapers?
Bri
That is so right on!!! I think you're doing pretty well--mom of 3--to already be at Axel's 1 year appt! I was also at a well child checkup with Nate. We got the nurse who has no idea what is in child immunizations ("So he needs the DTaP. Is polio in that one?" Um, no.) This is Jodi btw, google wouldn't let me sign in for some reason. :-)
Hysterical! I could so easily picture this...probably because I've experienced variations of the same in different waiting rooms over the years! What is it about waiting rooms that bring out the craziness in people?
So here is my waiting room story. Charlie & I were interviewing a new doctor at a family practice. There were people of all ages waiting, but no kids. Then another family with two girls (I'd guess one about 5, the other 2) walks in, and of course we get the look you describe - "We are in this together! We are parents and therefore must make conversation." So the mom asks me "How old is your son?" But I can't focus because I hear her husband saying "Ew! Something stinks. Do you have a dirty butt?" to their two-year-old. And I couldn't respond because Charlie was pinching me so hard.
Dirty butt? Ok, stinky pants, dirty diaper, even possibly stinky buns might be appropriate, but "dirty butt" made both of us want to vomit.
And we decided not to go with that doctor, so we'll likely never see the Dirty Butts again.
Amen, sister! Waiting rooms are THE crazy. They are. Ew. I feel all germy now.
(although I WAS just the one in the waiting room wearing THE mask just last week. SHHHHH)
And not only do I go home needing a shower, and exhausted from dealing with the illness, injury and or drama of the child/teen/adult patient, I feel all guilt ridden for wondering how I could look down on so many people at once.
great post and fabulous writing!
how have i not been over here?! so sorry!! this story... oh, i can picture it playing out right in front of me. i'd be the one on the left, behind the magazine... not wagging my finger. just smiling a little at the scene! but even my eyes would ahve opening in HORRO at the dad eating the slimy crumb. and that would have been that. you would have lost all composure right there! hmmm... perhaps i can postpone my kids appointments!
Yes, I have four kids :)
Our sitter is an absolute mamabear when it comes to people touching the kids. She has kicked people off the bus for trying to come near her charges. It's very funny to hear (and a relief)
Doctor's waiting rooms...I have seen so many. My son was born very premature and The Doctor's Visit is a routine part of our life. This is the place where my Mama entertainment skills are put to the test: how much fun can we have waiting for 1 hour while touching NOTHING!
Thanks for your good writing!
Oh, how I hate the waiting rooms too! Please don't breathe on me. Don't talk to me. And Don't. Touch. The. Baby. (Please.) I know. I know.
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