mental crud
>> Thursday, November 5, 2009
I haven't been drawn here much lately. I've been feeling the pull towards my journal instead, and everything I write seems to be too long or convoluted to transcribe into a post.
It’s because I’ve detected quite a build-up of mental crud in recent days, and my normal strategies for clearing it out have not been working as effectively as usual.
I’m not depressed – not at all, actually. I've just been letting in too much stimuli. Distractions and information are ubiquitous, and my filters must be dismantled because currently there is a chaotic mass of swirling madness orbiting the inside of my head.
I think this is one of the dangers of information accessibility. Facebook, twitter, even hopping online to check the news -- one link leads to another to another; there is so much happening all over the world - some of it important and a lot of it nothing more than a complete time-suck. For me, the outlet pulls me out of the present, it blurs my focus, bombarding me with information to be processed and filed away. It takes up mental space that I want to fill with other things; space that needs to be open in order to absorb the present.
But it isn't just The Internets. I walked through a bookstore today and almost felt stressed out at the presentation of literature, information, entertainment, news, guidance that I will never, ever get a chance to read.
And how about hobbies? I'd love to be knitting for this winter, but it lands lower on the list than writing and reading, which I struggle to find time for as it is. I've all but given up on painting, and I'm still deciding whether cooking needs to be relegated from Hobbies to Obligations.
I know what I want, what I need, to do. I need to flush it all out. To detox. To free myself from the accumulation of mental crud. Maybe then I'll be able to write here, to write coherently, again. But re-grounding has been harder than usual -- I've fallen out of practice over the last weeks, and I think some of the goo has calcified, now requiring a chisel.
But I'll get there, because like the bumper sticker, I'd Rather Be Here Now. I'll clear my mind and refocus on the present. I'll clear the crud and create some open space to absorb the little gifts of each moment that can so easily be missed, slipping off without a chance to be noticed or appreciated because I'm too distracted thinking about everything but
this.very.moment.I.am.living.
Because when I let headlines and tweets and status updates, to-do lists and the weight of obligations hijack my focus, then what am I missing? What would I notice, would I soak in if I looked and listened and felt mindfully; aware of myself and my space and my company (usually my children) rather than cruising through the day on autopilot? What would inspire me? What would I learn if I stayed in the moment - listening, watching, participating?
I know that when I remain present I am a happier mother, a better person than when I let the distractions echo through my brain. I know that when I stay present, when I see each moment for what it is, life passes at just the right pace. I don't want to look back and say where did the time go? what happened this last year or month or week? I want to soak it in, to enjoy it.
So I’m working on it. I’m gonna clear out the crud.
* * *
all artwork by Eli, 2009
14 comments:
Wow! Did you peek into my brain? Because I have been feeling almost the same way lately about time-sucks, distractions, feeling guilty about being present and engaged, AND remembering that I used to do crafts/hobbies.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts so honestly. I'm going to work on clearing out the crud too.
Eli is a thoughtful artist.
I've been blaming the time change for a funk this week, but I think you nailed it. Finding the balance between all the extra stimuli and home life is really hard for me right now - I so get it. Seriously lady, sometimes I feel we lead parallel lives. I was in a bookstore yesterday (kids were w/ the inlaws for a bit) and I felt so lost wondering around. I've never felt that way before.
Good luck. I hope you get some clarity and peace soon. And if you do, send some my way ;)
Corinne - it's the synchronicity of motherhood. I share it here because I know that is a universal, we have all been or will be there, right? Thanks for reading, friend.
I'm going to....clean out my blogreader.
Could the artwork be any more perfect for that post?? :-)
Well dude...we all feel this way. You are right - the synchronicity of motherhood. Especially with three little kids. Staying in the moment??? Are you kidding? :-) the hardest thing to do but I know it's what I must do.
I too want life to move at the perfect pace.....breath always helps me. When I remember to just do it.
Great post.
This is my daily struggle -- you articulated it so, so well.
Love Eli's artwork, too!
I'm so with you. I feel this way soooo much. The business of life has been keeping me from the computer and that helps a whole lot. I miss keeping up with all the blogs I love, but I quite enjoy being on Twitter only sporadically. That helps slow down my brain. I love it, but it's so over-stimulating.
Not that the Internet is the only source of clutter, but for me it's a struggle for sure.
Great post, lady!
We are so alike.
I've recently started knitting again, and I'm surprised at how well it pulls me back to the present. It's been about five years since my last knitting phase and back then, before blogs, Twitter, facebook, etc, I found knitting to be a distraction from real life. Now I realize it's got nothing on the Internet. And that's scary.
We should add knitting to our wine date.
I feel so at home here, not only as a mind-cluttered-mama, but also among Lee, Heather, and Maggie!
So glad to meet you, and you write beautifully.
Ann
I think I should just "ditto" what everyone else said. Totally get it.
And I so enjoyed Eli's illustrations. :-)
I hate the crud. I'm feeling cruddy. It's nice to know it's normal. thanks for sharing.
i'm envious that you've been writing in your journal. i haven't had the energy to do even that. i told myself i would write a little bit every single day, to keep myself moving forward and i can't do it.
or won't.
not sure which just yet.
oh, and p.s....
that artwork is stunning. seriously.
hello there. this is erin, i work with john. i was just telling him how my computer is broken and how freeing it has been. i was talking about getting sucked into blogs, and then link link link...where did the day go?
so, of course, i had to smile when i came across this post after he brought up your blog for me. smiling not because you are finding yourself in the funk, too...but because it's nice to know that i'm not alone in the mud.
anyway, i've been without a computer at home for 3 weeks now...it's amazing how i no longer feel as distant as i did when i had it. and to think that i felt "so connected" at the time...who was i kidding?
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